the trees are not enough.
on relational and developmental trauma repair and human connection
Before I begin this post, I want to let you know I have been shifting my writing over to a self-hosted Ghost site in protest of how Substack allows platform to nazis. You can find and subscribe to my writing on that self-hosted site, or if you get this email twice, you may have already been migrated with some of my subscribers. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber there if you are able! it not only supports me, but 2 other practitioners. This Substack will likely be deleted within the next couple of months.
I am unapologetically an earth-rooted somatic practitioner. I have been for years; you can look back through my Instagram for evidence of this. It’s embedded into the way I see the world. My very practice name encodes the belief that our wellbeing and healing is not possible without re-membering the web that always already exists. It’s this web that I hold and re-member going into each and every session with clients.
However, I’ve had a concerning set of experiences lately that lead me to think we are throwing out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to supporting our clients to re-member resources, as practitioners. Over focusing on one thing at the expense of another. There are various examples of this in different ways rife across the field; for instance, on the one hand, how Stephen Porges’ polyvagal theory informed Safe and Sound Protocol purposely attunes in particular autistic people to only the sound of the human voice (as if we don’t need to be attuned to other sounds esp nature sounds beyond that in order to be relational!!! + i have an entire OTHER rant on how fucking ableist this is) - but on the other hand, how a concerning number of practitioners are orienting their clients to noticing a tree, an ancestor, a well, a river, the ocean as a source of somatic resource for them… when what someone REALLY needs is to re-member a human/set of humans as a source of relational support.
Furthermore, something that a massive amount of somatic practitioners do not understand nor take responsibility for is that, when they are doing developmental trauma or relational trauma/CPTSD work, they are working in the relational field, oftentimes functioning as attachment repair. The practitioner becomes the secure base and attachment figure for the client to practice relationship that might have been damaged with parents and caregivers. This is -not- to be taken lightly and is a power dynamic that when effectively engaged, can result in meaningful and deep repair of long lasting trauma. And, when not meaningfully or skillfully engaged, like any other power dynamic, it can result in lasting and re-traumatizing harm.
This is actually what I mean when I say I do relational work: I am undertaking with full awareness the responsibility of what it means to be a steady attachment figure, with all the accompanying responsibilities of attention, attunement, attending to skillful rupture and repair, and attending to embodied voice and choice as purposeful way to support clients in re engaging agency. And much more. It’s much like the responsibility of being a parent! I take that seriously.
This is why I encourage and support clients to practice their embodied voice and choice with me. Embodied choice and voice are often deeply damaged in relational trauma contexts especially when it comes to authority figures: by inviting clients to practice those skills with me in direct somatic ways, I’m inviting a new narrative. You can embody your agency in relationship even with an authority figure, even a caregiver/parental figure, and it can be okay. Not only just okay, but generative. This can have widespread, web-spread effects that ripple outward if practiced effectively.
So - when anyone is doing trauma work, especially developmental trauma work, this should be kept in mind. You’re functioning as attachment repair (side note: this often requires getting mentorship in practicing this - something I try to do pretty consistently). And secondly, in developmental trauma work, the wounding happens in human to human relationship. This doesn’t mean that -all- repair needs to take place only in human relationship: we -NEED- repair with the web of ancestors, spirits, animal kin. This reminds our bodies we are not alone, and is especially helpful in repairing developmental trauma because developmental trauma is also ancestral trauma. And for ancestral trauma repair we need ancestors, spirits, animal kin, the web spanning the set of generations we are working with untangling.
We also need repair, though, with people. With humans.
Here is a personal story that illuminates some of why.
I have a very long history of childhood neglect. One of the main places of resource and connection for me my whole life has been the trees. At 4 years old, I found a place in my then-backyard behind the trees, between the pine trees and the fence, that I used to crawl in and sit in and feel safe. There was nowhere else.
For a news flash - this should not happen to a 4 year old. The only place a 4 year old feels okay should not be with the trees.
A 4 year old, especially a neglected 4 year old, needs a parent, or 3. or aunties. or grandmas holding them in a rocking chair and singing to them. A sense that they matter.
So sure, the trees are supportive. They continue to be deeply supportive for me, so much so that I continue to purposely put myself in proximity to them. And they are also not enough to repair the wound.
In trauma repair, developmental trauma repair for a 4 year old, resourcing a 4 year old to connection with -trees- or unseen ancestors or a well is not sufficient attachment repair, especially when that has been the attachment wound.
When that is the wound, the repair needs to be -with people-.
What I have needed to repair this wound, is just the right level of human relational distance and closeness, at a pace I can tolerate, that lets me know I am not alone, while also letting me know I will not be smothered or my agency will not be removed.
If you are a fellow trauma practitioner, you may know that this is often tender, delicate, hand stitching/tiny lace bobbin type work. Intricate. Relational repair is fragile web territory repaired by skilled, even, thoughtful hands. Too close of human connection from you can feel overwhelming to someone, especially at first. But too far, and they feel disconnected.
It’s often a moment to moment and ever shifting practice of attuning to the “just right amount of distance” -in that particular moment-. It takes highly attuned listening to not only verbal client consent, but also non verbal cues of body consent.
Sometimes, many times, it’s the “I feel and hear your feelings, and I’m going to sit over here a few feet away from you side to side, or just outside the door, and just feel/be with you.”
(this is an actual thing I offered to someone WHILE also tracking their body and verbal language for consent or lack of it; if the person had said no or indicated lack of consent in any body way, I would have shifted the offer)
And the way needs for distance and closeness shift moment to moment, is also important to track for those of us with dissociative shit, because our systems are often fast as fuck. One moment needing one thing, and the next moment needing something totally different. It takes a lot of balance as a practitioner to be present enough to know and follow what you’re offering relationally moment to moment.
Maybe that starts as, as a practitioner, I offer to “sit around the corner” or across the room from the one that is scared but needs connection. It’s true that “can you notice me in the room here?” (often a thing that practitioners say to help clients notice our human presence and that they are not alone) might be too close. But perhaps we can be creative with other options.
If we are feeling under resourced as practitioners that day (super normal, we all know that parents and caregivers have off days), can we have clients notice human relationships that felt even somewhat supportive? Perhaps a friend, or the clerk they talked to at the grocery store recently? If we have moderate resource, can we offer “what if you pretend I’m down the hall, or outside, but aware of you?” Sometimes, that added bit of distance is more supportive as well as more accessible if we are lower on resources that day.
Also, if you think you can’t say that to a client on a video call - think again. I have a lot of long distance internet friends and I’ve definitely said this more than once when someone’s shit was triggered, and they tracked with it just fine.
If you’re in person, a potential offer is you can actually leave the room but still hold awareness with the client (maybe through vocalization), and see how that feels for them.
Ironically, a place I know that gets this exactly right in a really cool way is the A03 All For the Game fics that I read. The characters have a system of asking each other “yes or no” moment to moment before any kind of touch happens. That’s the kind of intricate moment to moment dance that relational trauma repair work -requires-. Shout out to queer perverted A03 kink shit for getting it just right.
(brief interlude, more writing below)
A Practice:
If you are not a practitioner but reading this, maybe you can think about: what level of distance do you need to feel supported and connected and still able to feel your agency? Is it right next to someone? Is it across the room? Is it different person to person? (this is true of me and often many of us) What would let you feel supported in a human relationship?
Could you play with that with your friends, roommates, lovers? (sorry, Heated Rivalry fans, I mean - partners or queerplatonic critters or, etc etc) Can you copy the A03 fics I mentioned? Can you say “hey i read this really interesting weird post for fucked up trauma survivors on this somatic practitioner’s substack, can we try some of the things they mentioned?”
Here’s a practice suggestion - and I suggest doing this on a day when you feel ready to do so, ready to hear other’s embodied consent and needs without taking it personal. I also suggest setting a time limit: doing this for 5 minutes and then stopping and doing something else.
Once you have the time limit set, take turns with each other. Ask your friend what kind of proximity do they want from you? Do they want you right next to them, across the room, just outside the door but paying attention? Face to face? Back to back? Parallel? Should they make eye contact, or look away? Feel free to have them play around a little bit and see what feels best to them. Then switch places.
Let it be play. It doesn’t need to be any more serious than “what feels best and nicest to me in this moment?” It’s an exploration. A curious fun one. It might change tomorrow. No way that you respond is wrong, you’re just finding out things about what your body needs, what your friend’s body needs, relationship wise.
FYI - sometimes us mad and neurodivergent folk already know these body ways of needing to be together very very deeply already, we are just practicing them together on purpose.
(I learned this practice from Vanissar Tarakali’s Trauma Survivors in Love + embodied practice with her directly for several years, Caffyn Jesse’s work, Betty Martin’s The Wheel of Consent, and the aforementioned A03 AFTG fics)
I want us to really think about what we are doing when we rely only on earth and land relation as places to find relational connection. That that might not be the only relational repair that we need. And I see this in a truly non binary way: we DO need the ancestral, other than human, web. My god, more than anything, we need the web. By god we do indeed. AND. We fucking need people. We need to learn and have embodied relationship with EACH OTHER.
They are not and should not be mutually exclusive. And we can and should consider how traumatizing it can be, actually, for some people to only be limited to the realm of other than human connection.
Yes, keep the ancestral connection. It’s lifeblood. It’s necessary. Keep the creature kin. Feel into the wolves, the rivers, the trees, the ocean.
And yes: re-member each other. As humans.
Is it significantly harder (at times)? Yes.
Is it also necessary? In fact yes.
A 4 year old cannot only be parented by a tree. A 4 year old needs human caregivers. In relational trauma repair, especially with selves who are younger, whether that’s system members, inner children, inner kittens, or even just places for you that feel more fragile rather than strong, we need human contact. We need to re-member that is possible. We need to practice that possibility with each other.
I have openings for 2-3 new ongoing clients for noncarceral, somatic developmental trauma repair work. You can find out more about my work on my website, or book directly here.
To stay updated on upcoming trainings around mad, noncarceral somatic support, supporting survivors of gun violence, and divesting from therapy licensure, you can subscribe to my email list here.